Does A 50/50 Relationship Work?
“What greater thing is there for two human souls, than to feel that they are joined for life–to strength each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in silent unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting?
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The millennial generation has been called many things but perhaps the most prominent words are entitled, selfish and lazy. I’m not sure to what extent these sentiments are true, but I know plenty of millennials that are the exact opposite of these terms. One thing I can state about our generation is the value that we place on fairness and equality.
I’ve heard statements about how relationships need to be 50/50 and in an ideal world, that concept may work. However, in the real world, you will run into a lot of issues if you try to follow that concept. Let me explain - a 50/50 relationship sounds more like a business transaction where one gets to do X and the other one gets to do Y. If either one fails to do their part, then the other party doesn’t have to do theirs. Relationships are not quid pro quo. Instead, relationships should be seen as an investment/partnership where both parties are putting in their very best and building each other up for the betterment of ‘‘us’’.
When Kevin and I first started dating - if I asked him to do something for me, he’d do it without a second thought. On the other hand, if he asked me to do something, I’d whine and complain about it before doing it. One day he asked me, “Why is it always have to be a struggle to get you to do something for me?” I thought hard about that and I realized it was because I wasn’t willing to give 100% to the relationship. I was giving the bare minimum just in case it didn’t work out, then I wouldn’t be hurt about it. That wasn’t fair to Kevin and that’s a terrible mindset to have when in a committed relationship. Fast forward 11 years later…I can anticipate what he needs before he even asks.
The tricky thing about relationships is that you have two people that are on their own individual journeys still trying to figure out their life while simultaneously trying to figure out how to merge their own life with that of someone else’s. Conflict arises when the two don’t align. Marriage is a sacrifice that sometimes requires you to forgo the needs and wants of the ‘I’ for the good of the ‘we’. Marriage is a ministry - one of the hardest ministries you’ll ever be called to.
When you enter into the covenant of marriage - this relationship is supposed to mirror that of Christ and the church. That is such a profound way of looking at marriage. Jesus was all about serving others and when we follow in his footsteps, we should be more focused on serving our spouse than being served, even in the smallest of things. I got a new monitor and it was delivered to me while I was taking a nap. I woke up and found Kevin setting it up for me. He wanted to surprise me and have it ready before I woke up. It’s the small thoughtful things like that that make all the difference.
We like to quote Ephesians 5:21-33 when it comes the role of a husband and that of a wife. This is probably one of the most misinterpreted scriptures in the bible when it comes to marriage and submission. Some men have used it as a weapon to control their spouse but that’s not what the scripture was intended for.
It says the following: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Most women get caught up on the submission part and make it seem as if submission means you have no say in the marriage. But if you look at the verse prior, it talks about both parties submitting to each other. If a man loves his wife like Christ loves the church, he won’t feel the need to control her but to consult her on important matters.
If you know me, you know I’m quite stubborn, but I understand that my role as Kevin’s wife is not to be the head but I’m the neck that moves the head 😊.
I like this statement by Ebonie Marche Jones that perfectly sums up submission - “In healthy relationships, partners are not forced into submission. Submission is an act that is expressed mutually and voluntarily. Being submissive helps us to be less self-centered and allows us to consider the desires of others. Submission has nothing to do with being weak but allows us to be strong enough to open our hearts to others. Submission leads to equality, fairness and trust. When we understand submission from a biblical perspective, it eliminates the need to prove our independence and it removes the desire to be controlling. We're not afraid to let someone else take the lead because we're secure in the fact that we're just as capable of doing the same, if and when the need arises” (The Art Of Submission In Romantic Relationships)
Here are a few issues that will arise if you focus on a 50/50 relationship:
Resentment – if your spouse loses their job or gets sick and they are not able to contribute to the household like they did in the past, then you will become resentful
A tit-for-tat relationship will make you more selfish in the long run because you are doing things out of selfish ambition
You won’t grow together as a team because you are not focusing on cultivating each other’s strengths.
To sum it all up – a 50/50 relationship will not work in the long run. Focus on giving a 100% to your relationship and also remember that there will be times when your partner might be going through a difficult time and can give 30% to the relationship. Those difficult times are when you should continue to give 100% plus more. Here a few verses for you to remember:
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
